Mental Health: An unstable Valentine

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, here's a realistic, honest post about dating someone with a mental illness.

First of all, a little background info: I suffer with depression and an eating disorder, I also self-harmed. Needless to say, my relationship has been very colourful thanks to mental illness. My boyfriend (Frankie) and I have been together 3 and a half years. We currently live together in my parents house, whilst we save up for our own place (Though, looking at the current state of England's property market I've no idea when that will be possible).

When our relationship first started, he didn't know I was depressed or that I self-harmed. I wanted to tell him countless times, but I had no idea what to say. We came from different social circles- I was more aware of mental health, but he'd never been exposed to anything like it. So, I hid it from him for over a year. He finally found out when he spotted cuts on my arm. And even then, I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just froze when he asked me what they were. He was furious that I'd do something like that and angry, he stormed out of the room. I was so upset, but he came straight back in after a minute or two and hugged me, apologising. He simply didn't understand.

I see a lot of teenagers romanticising self-harm, but unfortunately it's ugly. Self-harm is an addictive, painful and frankly, pointless thing to do. It causes more pain than it's worth and never fixes the underlying problem. It's simply a distraction from the real issue.

My self-harming got the point where Frankie was scared to go home at night for fear that it was the last time he'd ever see me. And I was willing to hurt myself in front of him because it was the only thing I knew that helped me.

Who doesn't love The Fault In Our Stars?

Luckily, I managed to crawl out from my cave and recover. I was determined to get better and educate myself on mental illness. The journey we went on to get to this point almost killed us. It wasn't just me suffering, Frankie was too. It was so difficult for him to watch me go through it. I think a lot of people don't realise how hard it is to try and support someone you love when they experience a thing like that. It can tear you apart.

My moods were always so low and angry and everyday I would take it out him. It was unfair and cruel. My temper was short, I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone else because in my eyes, nothing was worth my time or energy. I stopped being loving towards Frankie and we started arguing all the time. Our relationship became perpetual door slamming, storming out of houses, crying and yelling constantly. I hated it.

To help me recover, Frankie and I did a lot of research together, we both needed to know what to do. I found out why I self-harmed (low self-esteem) and we found ways of improving it, things that we could both do. For example, I had to stop comparing myself to others and Frankie had to compliment and praise me more. It was at that point that I discovered there wasn't a lot out there to help people recover, most of it encouraged you to get professional help and counselling. This scared the hell out of me, I wanted to learn how to get better from someone who had been in the same situation as I was. But, I couldn't find anything. So I tried almost everything out there that wasn't 'professional' and tried my own ideas too. This was when I thought about starting a blog to share my ideas about recovery, but I wondered if I'd ever be in that healthier position... (I made it!)

We do a lot of apologising in our relationship, mostly on my part. I still struggle with my mental state which means my moods are ridiculous, laughable even. I can go from 0 to Bitch in the space of a second, but then I feel guilty and burst into unstoppable tears. It's horrible. I think Frankie's fed up of seeing me cry.

Why am I still moody? It's because of my diet, I don't eat much because I've never liked the taste of food (you can read more about that on my ED post here) so I'm always hungry and lethargic. I am getting a lot better though. I've started eating more healthy because I'm much more aware of what's good for me now. It's just a case of learning how to cook it and put it all together. Bear with me!

My advice to those in a relationship when one suffers from mental illness is to be patient. Let them know that they can rely on you for anything. And maybe dedicate a couple of evenings or days to spend together where you have planned things to do- the idea is to distract them from their thoughts and show them that life is worth it. And if they want space, let them have it but don't let allow them to isolate themselves. We all need time to think but we shouldn't cut ourselves off from the world, mental illness is already a lonely thing.

I'm lucky that Frankie is patient. He knows that one day, I will be healthy and that's all he really wants. He's always supported me and stood by me, despite everything and I thank the higher deities for bringing us together. Also, living with him has helped the situation drastically. I used to have nightmares all the time, which caused me to lose sleep. But now, I sleep a lot more peacefully. It's also good for my eating habits because it's easier to eat at the same time, which means I don't go without food.

He pulled me through self-harming, albeit screaming and crying, but he pulled me through.

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think!
& Have a happy Valentines Day! x