Mental Health: My Eating Disorder

 Illustration by Michael Woloschinow

I've put off writing this because I don't know what to say.

I've been in denial for the better part of my life. And recently, due to health reasons, I had to face the fact that I have an eating disorder.

It's so hard for me to see it written down. On top of everything, I've another illness to think about it. But that's the thing about mental illness, you often have more than one to deal with.

Society associates eating disorders with people who obsess over their size and eat very little. However, no eating disorder is the same and in my case I don't identify with that. That's why it took me so long to do something.

I'm not obsessed with being thin. I've always been very thin because I've always eaten very little as I've always had a 'complex' with food. Put simply, I don't like eating.

When I was younger, I learned about tastebuds and I thought they were my problem. So, I started wishing for a new tongue. That's ridiculous isn't it? I just remember feeling so angry at God for giving me a tongue that couldn't taste food the same way others did, I wished I'd wake up one day with a new one. I was convinced this was the root of the problem, but obviously at seven years old I couldn't comprehend it properly.

Food affected and continues to affect nearly every minute of my life.

As a child, I dreaded going to friends houses for 'tea' for the fear that their Mothers would cook something I didn't like. And as a teen, much to my parent's dislike, we have often left restaurants after being given the menus because there isn't a meal I've liked on them. There have even been times when they've ordered food, angry, leaving me to sit there eating nothing whilst the waiter asks if I'm sure I don't want anything, I reply with the usual "I've already eaten".

I feel so inconvenient all the time. I hate it. Eating is such an issue for me, I'd rather not eat at all.

I feel sick thinking about most foods, this means I sometimes can't stomach eating anything. I am constantly worrying about what I'm going to eat when in the presence of others, so aware of what other people are eating and whether or not my food is 'normal' or sufficient looking enough. Because honestly, if it were acceptable, I'd sit there and eat nothing.

This really isn't healthy for me. I lack so much nutrition, I'm falling apart:

• I'm anaemic, this means I have iron deficiency. So I never have any energy, even after I've slept.
• I'm constantly cold, my hands and feet especially, as my body tries to keep my core warm.
• I'm moody all the time because of hunger and tiredness.
• I faint a lot, at one point it was happening nearly every day.
• I look dead: I'm all pale skin, bones, blue hands and feet.
• Plus: Heart palpitations, low blood pressure, breathing problems, brittle nails, breakouts, poor circulation. The list goes on.

My health is deteriorating and it isn't pretty.
Now, I'm at the stage where I have to do something about it or my body will start shutting down.

So, this year I'm going to save myself.

I want to get healthier because I want to live. Imagine, going through all that hardship recovering from self-harm, only to be killed by an eating disorder that I did nothing about.
I refuse to die from mental illness after fighting so hard against it.

I'm lucky to have the support of my boyfriend, Frankie, throughout and despite everything. He's saved my life more than once and I can't ever thank him enough. It's difficult for me, but I can't begin to imagine how tough it is for him, having to live with my illnesses too.

I've done some research and I think it's a good idea to start working on meal plans to keep me on track. I've been looking up different healthy recipes to try, even if I don't like the food. I despise cooking, so this is big for me!

I'm also starting yoga, to get stronger (I'm so weak, I can hardly open a packet of crisps). Yoga is very good for the body and mind so I think it will be really great for me.

That's all I really needed to say. This was an incredibly hard post for me to write as I'm still coming to terms with my eating disorder. But I feel so much better now I've written it all down. Mental health is such an important topic, we need to speak about it more.

I really appreciate you all reading this.

I hope you're having a wonderful New Year.